Beyond the reach of imagination

The sun is magnificent in his splendour, and shines just to shine.  That we live and thrive by that grace is the world to us but of little consequence to him.  He burns on, either way.  Pluto is far out, beyond any pretense, the last rock before the infinite.  What vistas can be seen, from the top of that tilted orbit?  Can he see beyond the solar systems fence?  
From here I see minerals, plants and animals, and me.  From my heart I can imagine angels, and god.  What is beyond the concepts? 
If I pour myself into love, let my heart unhindered grow, what then? Can’t you see I speak of my deepest fear?  Only the immensity of our solar system can begin to compare how deep this fear of mine is.  If I take up a task, or art, or craft, and learn it, practice it, perfect it,  in my agedness it will come that I can do it no more.  If I love cheese and eat it every day, eventually the doctor will say, no more cheese. Should my wife surround me in her love, know my darkest secrets and read my deepest fear (beyond even this); if she is every waking thought, the sun around which every action moves; all hope, all light, all motivation in her eyes, all the world falls away in her presence, no word can abide her light.  Should I be so strong as to let this be, what then when she dies?  Live long enough, human, and everything will be taken from you.  Whatever you define yourself by, everything you hated, everything you loved.  All your friends will die, your family will not be able to comprehend.  You will be betrayed, alone, utterly destitute.  Not only will your world be gone, but all those worlds you ever read about.  The sun will shine no more for you.  Why?  Why, oh lord? Or are you gone too?  Why didn’t I kill myself when I was 33?  How can I even think this?  Or imagine such a bleak future?  To die young, leave family friends and lovers to plod on with the (w)hole of me torn out, or to outlive them all?  The ultimate abandonment. 
 I cannot end on that, though these words begin to fail.  Why do i even write this?  Expounding more where my words failed and fail again.  What mere word can reach beyond the veil?  Peek over the outermost fence? Can any word break that fundamental, primordial silence there?  I know not

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